For so long, I’ve prided myself on my independence, on my ability to remain living alone with my child, on my capacity to raise my daughter with little outside help. I think having so many movements and physical activities stripped from me has given me a higher regard for that which I’m still able to do. I revel in being able to do things for myself whether that be larger-scale household chores like laundry or smaller things like opening doors for myself. I often tell people in public who try to be helpful (when it’s not needed) that “I’ve got this.” It’s almost been a mantra of mine since getting sick and relearning life and how to live it. No matter what I may look like on the outside, the inside of me is fully functional with a raging ego! Haha!! Using a cane? I’ve got this! Walking with a rollator? I’ve got this!! Self-propelling a wheelchair? I’ve got this!! Driving around in my power chair?? Yep. You guessed it! I’ve got this!!
However, recently, many activities of daily or weekly life have become either quite difficult or impossible for me to accomplish. Laundry has piled up – dirty laundry to be done (because it’s difficult to navigate the 2 steps up & down into the garage, tiresome and painful to complete this task and hard to take clothes out of the top-loading washing machine and front-loading dryer) and clean laundry to be folded (because this also causes a great deal of pain and is taxing on my body, leaving me feeling drained of all energy). My kitchen needs stocking, but going to the grocery store by myself is nearly impossible unless I’m buying only one or two small, lightweight items. I haven’t cooked a meal in weeks because my kitchen isn’t accessible to me so I’m required to stand to prepare food – standing can now only be done in short 2-3 minute periods and even Hamburger Helper takes at least 10 minutes!! Even dishes can seem insurmountable – yes, I can sit on a stool and wash them, but this, too, seeps energy from me and hurts my arms, hands, shoulders and neck (no, I don’t own a dishwasher; there’s no place to put one in any case).
I have a friend that comes and cleans. She makes our beds as well, since I’m unable to do so. But, I’m slowly realizing I’m soon going to need more than that to continue living alone, raising my child. One of my friends helps me grocery shop – she pushes the cart, gets items that are out of my reach and picks up things that are too heavy for me. I always feel loathe to ask her for assistance, but it’s coming to a point where I’ve got to get over that.
Lately, I’m realizing I may not “got this” anymore after all. Weeks ago, this prospect scared me. It left me feeling weak, needy, burdensome and worried about my future. Today, out of nowhere, came the thought that letting go of my independence is being the best mom for my daughter. If I want to continue to raise her, I must admit I need the help… and I must accept that help. Not only will it allow me to raise my kid, but it may teach her to ask for and accept help when she comes to need it in her future. She may learn to accept her circumstances much easier than her mom, who balks at admitting I can’t make a bed!! If I want to live alone with my little girl and raise her to the best of my ability, I must do so with outside help… and that’s okay.
I once heard that no one is ‘independent;’ we were created to be ‘interdependent.’ I think I’m beginning to understand that now. Maybe I don’t “got this”… but maybe there’s a WE who does!!
This blog post originally appeared on Modified Mama.